I’m Not Taking That Back

He. Cheated.

Insignificant.

Small.

Alone.

Just. Awful.

 

It was the best thing he could have ever done for me. Now before you decide to have me evaluated for a mental health crisis, I mean it. Him cheating on me was the best thing he could have ever done for me. It hurt so bad. It made me feel awful. But. It made me realize that I would never want him again. I would never fall for his act again. And as I started to heal I was able to see just what he had done to me.

This is what a manipulative relationship looks like. I’m an example of how a smart, confident, independent, supported woman can be manipulated and isolated. How she can be taken and hollowed out to the point where she doesn’t recognize herself. My friends knew-they even warned. My poor parents sat by helpless as I dug my heels in. I clung to every promise he made. I held tight to each kiss. Each time he called me beautiful was proof he wanted me right?

It was like dating a roller-coaster. I became someone I never thought I would be. I was so nervous all the time that I would set him off and he would need to be alone for weeks to gather his thoughts and decide if he wanted me. When I discovered he had a son and I told him so he would stop lying to me, he had the audacity to claim this was a violation of his trust (yeah. You read that right. I violated HIS trust because he lied to me and I caught him) and he needed time to decide if we could work. Lo and behold he decided we could.

Notice that I didn’t have a say? I didn’t have a say in anything. I couldn’t even leave in the morning when I wanted to. I had to stay until he left because it made him feel bad when I didn’t. Never mind it completely destroyed my morning schedule-controlling much? It’s amazing how I couldn’t see what was happening. Maybe I didn’t want to.

You see, as terrified as I am of commitment, I’m incredibly loyal. Once I decide-I decide. And I put the same amount of effort and worry into choosing a person as I do a brand of nail polish (OPI). So when I chose him- I wasn’t backing down. I knew from the beginning he would have to be the one to end it.

So what did I learn from this? Boys suck. I’m not taking that back. Boys do suck and I refuse to date them. From now on only men. And if they don’t like Harry Potter (or at least understand my obsessive passion) they are out.

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