To say I’ve had a rough year so far would be an understatement. By all accounts I’ve had one of the hardest years of my young-ish life. From battling depression to losing my grandmother. From personal disappointments to just staring blankly at a wall for hours. I’ve struggled. Then my dog went missing in March. I took it hard. I had him for over a decade. This dog was my version of a ride or die. He loved me so much and the guilt that overtook me when he was gone was unbearable.
What guilt? The guilt that I should have spent more time with him. Should have spent more time petting him. More treats. More walks. More drives. Just more of me to more of him. He deserved it. I got him shortly before Stephany had Haylee. He grew with her. He loved the kids. He dealt with an obnoxious amount of hair pulling and sticky fingers. He had a sneaky way of just wiggling under your hand. He was a stealer of food and a master at escaping. He liked to sleep in and snuggle close during thunderstorms. He barked a lot and hated the ex.
It was awful to lose him and the fact that I never found out what happened to him makes it harder. I still have pictures of him everywhere. Like with most things I’m moving on. I adopted a dog who desperately needed another chance at a family. She’s a three-year-old dachshund. Her name is Annie. I wasn’t ready for another dog when I adopted her but as soon as she was in my car I knew there was no way I could give her back to the shelter and condemn her to that life. After all, we all just need a chance. She’s currently thriving at my house. It’s a great environment for her and having her in my house has calmed me down. She was what was missing and I need something living in my house.
Even though my life has been rough in patches I have been happier with myself this year more than any other year. I’m happier with my appearance and who I am. I’ve forgiven myself for a lot of my past. I’m still struggling with the culture of Christianity and the severe divide I feel between politics and faith. I don’t doubt the existence of my Creator. I don’t doubt his love for me. I am just having a hard time with His people at the moment. The politically-charged environment in America doesn’t help much. It’s been tough to say good-bye to people that were family for so long but at the same time I cannot support inserting personal faith into general government. I know that if things were flipped and the majority faith here was something different that I would have a problem with that doctrine being forced on me as guidelines to how I live my life. I also believe wholeheartedly that we are meant to love as He loved and at the end of the day I just cannot look at another person and say, “you don’t get the same rights as me.” What makes any group of people get a say in who does and doesn’t receive rights? That went further off course than I intended. You may not agree. That’s okay, it’s my blog not yours. Turns out if you disagree you can just stop reading and move on. No hard feelings here.
Essentially. I’m trying. It’s not easy. I didn’t expect it would be.