But I Don’t Want To Talk About It

I’m not a big fan of regret. Duh, am I right? Who actually enjoys regret? Nobody. But I’ve yet to meet many people who go this far out of their way to avoid it. I’ve lived a (mostly) cautious life. I could teach Donald Trump how to build walls. I’ve spent so long trying to avoid the type of pain I’m experiencing now that I don’t know how others don’t just break down in the middle of the day. It’s all I want to talk about but I don’t want to talk about it.

I’m terrified of becoming “that” friend. You know what friend I’m talking about. The one that can’t stop talking about the sad thing going on and all you want to do is change the subject because you just don’t care that much. That friend that you ask how they are doing because you know they need to be asked and you are worried they are going to break down and you’re going to have to explain to the rest of your friends why you didn’t notice. The friend that suddenly gets sad for no reason. The friend that you stop inviting to things. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want people staring at me waiting for the waterworks. But I hate denying how miserable I am. But I don’t want to talk about it.

I’m not ready to completely tell the story. I will be, just not today. Because I want to talk about it. I want to tell you everything. I want you to know my side of the story and somehow justify how I could have been so blinded so the amount of wrong I was seems reasonable. So you understand how I got here. So you know that I tried so hard to make it work. That every ounce of who I was was shattered. That he took every tiny insecurity I had and exploited it for his gain and made me think it was my fault. I need you to know. I need you to understand. To feel how insignificant I feel.

Not because I want you to feel bad for me. I want you to feel with me. To bring to mind that what we do to each other matters. My feelings, they matter. So. Today I’m not ready to tell you the full story. Today I’m just ready to tell you I’m barely keeping it together. I know this won’t last forever but it is where I’m at now. And where I’m at now sucks.